Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Tinuviel

The leaves were long, the grass was green,
The hemlock-umbels tall and fair,
And in the glade a light was seen
Of stars in shadow shimmering.
Tinuviel was dancing there
To music of a pipe unseen,
And light of stars was in her hair,
And in her raiment glimmering.

There Beren came from mountains cold,
And lost he wandered under leaves,
And where the Elven-river rolled,
He walked alone and sorrowing.
He peered between the hemlock-leaves
And saw in wonder flowers of gold
Upon her mantle and her sleeves,
And her hair like shadow following.

Enchantment healed his weary feet
That over hills were doomed to roam;
And forth he hastened, strong and fleet,
And grasped at moonbeams glistening.
Through woven woods in Elvenhome
She lightly fled on dancing feet,
And left him lonely still to roam
In the silent forest listening.

He heard there oft the flying sound
Of feet as light as linden-leaves,
Or music welling underground,
In hidden hollows quavering.
Now withered lay the hemlock-leaves,
And one by one with sighing sound,
Whispering fell the beechen leaves
In the wintry woodland wavering.

He sought her ever, wandering far
Where leaves of years were thickly strewn,
By light of moon and ray of star
In frosty heavens shivering.
Her mantle glinted in the moon,
As on a hill-top high and far
She danced, and at her feet was strewn
A mist of silver quivering.

When winter passed, she came again,
And her song released the sudden spring,
Like rising lark, and falling rain,
And melting water bubbling.
He saw the elven-flowers spring
About her feet, and healed again,
He longed by her to dance and sing
Upon the grass untroubling.

Again she fled, but swift he came.
Tinuviel! Tinuviel!
He called her by her elvish name;
And there she halted listening.
One moment stood she, and a spell
His voice lay on her: Beren came,
And doom fell on Tinuviel
That in his arms lay glistening.

As Beren looked into her eyes
Within the shadows of her hair,
The trembling starlight of the skies
He saw there mirrored shimmering.
Tinuviel the elven-fair,
Immortal maiden elven-wise,
About him cast her shadowy hair
And arms like silver glimmering.

Long was the way that fate them bore,
O'er stony mountains cold and grey,
Through halls of iron and darkling door,
And woods of nightshade morrowless.
The Sundering Seas between them lay,
And yet at last they met once more,
And long ago they passed away
In the forest singing sorrowless. 
-J.R.R. Tolkien

Letting Go

This photo about sums up how I'm feeling these days. Wandering naked and barefoot through a forest of tall, silent trees, the sun warm on my skin, the gentle breeze sighing, the damp earth rolling away before me.

Photo by David Winge, 2012

 It's finally cooling down here in Austin, and the shift in seasons has brought with it all manner of beautiful, strange, overwhelming, and transformational changes. It's as if someone has dropped a large stone into the middle of a calm lake, and I am watching the ripples and capillary waves glide and stretch out, becoming farther apart, finally reaching the soft sand at the edge of the shore. Change is sweeping across the land and I struggle to explain it. Things are morphing and evolving here for me, shaping and defining who I've been and who I am, providing me with a clear view of my future. a thousand miles away, in my home state of California, things are also changing exponentially, and the winds of fate have brought news of it to my uncertain ears.

How to put such delicate feelings into words? How to catch a moth and set it free without damaging its wings? I fear I am too blunt, too passionate, too invested. I let things seep into my heart as rainwater into an aquifer, and when the thunderheads all vanish I am left staring at the horizon, an empty blue sky as far as I can see, wondering what happened. Forever will I carry these tiny fragments inside myself. The impressions people have made on me, the places I have been, can never be erased, no matter how desperately I may want some of them to be.

Photo by Joel D'angelo, 2012

What is the strange force within us that oft-resists change? I have always been one to scoff at those who are afraid of anything new or different - those who will never leave the town they grew up in, who are cautious in their work, their social and romantic lives, and their travels, because they are worried that their lives will be altered forever. They resist change because it is often accompanied by pain. They avoid taking risks if there is a possibility of a negative consequence. Since I was young I have striven to eradicate this feeling from my life and embrace the forces of change, but in my darkest and weakest moments I can sense that some ugly miniscule shred of it still exists within me. This is the selfish beast that causes my heart to hurt when I see an old lover, when I hear the music that drove me through the countryside alone in the dead of summer, when I am dropped from someone's life without warning like a leaf from a tree.

"The connections run through both time and space...Time has a different quality in a forest, a different kind of flow. Time moves in circles, and events are linked, even if it's not obvious that they are linked. Events in a forest occur with precision in the flow of tree time, like the motions of an endless dance."
-Richard Preston, The Wild Trees



I'm trying to let the wind and the sea take me, so I can float on gentle currents above a deep blue, rocked to sleep as if in the boughs of a redwood.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Wild Blue Sky

There is this strange feeling that has been creeping up on me lately. It occupies my every waking thought and remains with me even when I sleep, curling up beside me and disappearing into my brain, where it distorts my dreams until they are too vivid, too real, and I awake in a panic, unsure of where I am. When I walk the streets of this town it distracts me to the point of hallucinating. I can no longer be certain of where I stand or where I am rooted, as my body is present in one place and my mind quite another entirely. This curious monster is what causes me to feel hollow and weightless. I feel like a ghost; I feel as though I am only a pair of eyes. Sometimes in the middle of a sentence or story I feel like I am stepping outside of myself, and when I listen to what I am saying it sounds strange and contrived, like I have written a speech for myself that I am reciting over and over again. I am prone to sudden fits of tears for no reason at all other than whatever is going on in my head. Last night I couldn't sleep, and I stayed up sitting on my porch late into the night (or into the early morning, I suppose) listening to every Tom Waits album I owned, and when "Watch Her Disappear" came on, I closed my eyes and fell into that song so far that I could have sworn I had submerged myself in the sea. When I opened my eyes again I was crying so much I couldn't see. I can't stop thinking about my friends in faraway places and how much I miss them and love them and want to be with them. I can't be entirely certain what this feeling is, but as far as I can figure it out, it's a mix of homesickness and wanderlust, and it is fucking awful. I am trying so hard to be calm, patient and happy while I get my affairs in order so I can leave Austin, but it is a slow and painful process and I am having a hell of a time dealing with it.



 It's such a strange contradiction of emotions. I feel desperately lonely, but at the same time, the idea of being surrounded by people is extremely unappealing to me. Lately I have been very grateful for the good company of one or two dear friends. I feel my mental state is too fragile to deal with crowds and drunks and traffic and loud awful music. I don't know what is happening to me and I don't know how to work it out except by writing about it, which seems to at least help sort my thoughts out a little. I'm having difficulty speaking things out loud to people but the written word seems to be the way to go. 

The last few days I've found myself wanting fiercely to communicate with a dear old friend of mine who I hear from infrequently and get to see even less. I've known him since I was 17 and he's in the army now, stationed somewhere out in the country in New York, and he's shipping off to Afghanistan sometime later this year. Luckily he says he will come visit me before that time. It breaks my heart to have friends in the army - not only are they gone for long periods of time during which I miss them intensely, I also worry fervently about them while they're overseas and am horribly, horribly afraid for them. I'm not sure how realistic of a concern this is (as I've never been in the army) but I just can't seem to shake it.


This is Sean. I took this photo three years ago at some place called Santiago Oaks, in southern California. Sean was always my favorite hiking buddy. I could call him up at 3 in the morning and tell him I'd pick him up at 10 a.m. to go hiking, and he'd always be ready and often times wouldn't even ask where we were going. We spent the better portion of about two years together exploring the hills and canyons of California. We'd spend hours in the parks we visited until it was too dark to see. One time we got ourselves locked behind a private gate way out in some remote canyon and we couldn't get out; the sheriff had to come and unlock the gate for us. another time Sean refused to go down a trail I pointed out in Vasquez Rocks because "it looks like prime mountain lion country" though it was no different than where we'd already been wandering. We'd smoke way too much pot and get lost and laugh our asses off and we'd always go eat greasy Mexican food for dinner afterward. In the photo above, we were coming down a hill and the trail led us through this big field of beautiful golden wheat. I think we sat down to smoke a joint or something and it was so quiet there, all you could hear was the wind sighing through the wheat, making the most beautiful sound, almost like the ocean. He stuck this in his mouth and, even though we weren't romantically involved, it tickled me so much that I had to suppress the urge to give him a big ol kiss. To this day it's one of my favorite pictures of him.



Another of my favorites - here we had gone to Oak Canyon, which I think may have been the place that we got locked in. (I have distinct memories of these places and am going off of the labels I gave the photos when I saved them, but I couldn't tell you exactly where any of them are anymore.) This day I remember we saw a lake way off in the distance and set off for it, but the terrain moved from extremely dry, prickly grass (above) to unbelievably slippery, oozy mud and both were extremely difficult to walk on. I think I had just started taking geology classes and was chattering to Sean all about it, picking up rocks and shells and handing them to him or stuffing them in my pockets. 
This is how I remember him - long-haired, bearded, dressed to the nines in his tattered clothes. Words cannot describe how much I miss him. When I was back in California last year, we got to visit a couple of times. We made a stop by his mom's house to pick something up, and we went into his old room and it was exactly as it was when I was dating him in high school. Isn't it strange to stumble upon something that you completely forgot existed and see that it hasn't changed at all? The same photos are up, the same paintings and poems that we wrote on the walls together some late night are still there. The last time I saw him before that, a year earlier, it was the end of December and we went to the beach at night. We sat on the shore drinking beer and Sean stood up and declared, "I'm going in." He took off all of his clothes and dove into the freezing cold water, then walked right back out and lit up a cigarette like it was no big deal.

as I was writing this I realized we used to be friends on MySpace - ha! - and to my surprise his profile is still up, and nearly all of the photos there are ones that I took on our adventures. I'm kind of half-crying, half-laughing as I write this. I feel like I'm being over-dramatic, writing about him as if he were dead, but sometimes you miss someone so much that it hits you in the chest like a ton of bricks and suddenly you can't bear to be away from that person any longer. I'm not really sure how to wrap this up now so I'm just going to post some more pictures!

O'Neill Park, 2008


Oak Canyon, 2009



Calico Mines, 2008


Las Vegas, 2008

 Until we meet again, friend.